The first thing I see is a face that is not as thin or pretty as it used to be.
However, I’ve learned to grin and bear.
When I look in the mirror, the first thing I see is a head full of pin-straight hair and a body that is curvier than I would prefer.
However, I’ve learned to grin and bear.
When I look at the distance between us, I see months of tears down the road.
However, I’ve learned to grin and bear.
When I think about you, I think of the hardships and suffering that you endure without uttering a word to me.
However, I’ve learned to grin and bear.
When I look at the distance between my Creator and me, I see a lifetime of questions and sacrifice. Of hardships, trials, tribulations. Of a body broken in half for me.
However, I’ve learned to grin and bear.
When I look at the amount of people in my church, I think of the amount of people that truly do not know what I am going through.
However, I’ve learned to grin and bear.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a broken girl with her insecurities written all over her face.
However, I’ve learned to grin and bear.
When I think about my insecurities, I think about a perfect man who died for my fears and my shortcomings.
However, I’ve learned to grin and bear.
I’ve learned to put a smile on my face when it is inconvenient.
I’ve learned to cover up it all up with a cheerful face.
I’ve learned how to look real.
I’ve also learned how to smile for hope of something much bigger than myself.
I’ve learned how to look as joyful as I feel.
I’ve learned how to find a reason to smile, even when it seems like I should just grin and bear.
Oh, the things that I have learned.
And there’s still so much more to learn.
When I need to be vulnerable, my pride gets to the best of me.
Only “special” people should know how I feel.
Yeah. One person out of the three-five people I need to tell.
The people that would understand me.
My feelings tell me that I’m not strong enough to tell anyone how I feel.
I need to hold on to my weaknesses for just a little longer.
I’m left here, writing failed attempts of free-verse poetry.
These short phrases of inconsistent syllables, rhymes, and subjects,
they really all mean nothing in comparison to the entire scope of my feelings.
I have so many bubbling up inside, and at times, I feel like I just want to burst.
I’m done with keeping and hiding secrets.
I’m done with feeling and hurting.
I’m done with needing a Savior, but not wanting Him.
Jesus, it’s your time to claim me.
We need to start wanting every bit of joy that we can grab onto.
Sooner or later, we’ll have a harder time finding it when the real world hits us.
Who says it’s really hitting us now?
Paying off credit card bills and wondering how you’re gonna pay off the next one doesn’t constitute growing up.
Putting your responsibilities and your obligations to others before yourself?
Sure. That’s getting there.
However, when do we ever really do that?
When love comes into the picture.
Love makes us grow up. Perhaps that’s why so many people don’t believe in it.
Peter Pan wouldn’t grow up. Most people my age don’t actually want to grow up when it comes down to it.
I don’t even know if I want to grow up.
I want to stay young. I want to learn. I want to sit out in the sun. I want to watch other people do cartwheels. I want to keep wishing that I can do one. I want to keep wanting and searching. I don’t want to stop.
my heart resists.
my heart denies.
i know that i don’t mind it.
that scares me just a bit.
my heart has a will.
my heart has a way.
but it does not want the Way, the truth, and the life.
for that, i fear that i will never really live out my life.
For without Christ,
there is nothing.
If my heart won’t love Him,
then my heart won’t love anyone.
I want to love my Savior.
But my heart simply wishes otherwise.
Do you ever get that crazy feeling when it’s dark and it feels good to smile?
You don’t have a single person looking at you.
You don’t have to worry about what you look like because you don’t even see yourself.
Sometimes, those smiles are the most beautiful.
Sometimes, it’s true when someone says, “You look beautiful right now” and it’s dark. It’s not because they can’t see the flaws and imperfections of your face. It’s that you yourself have finally stopped caring.
God finds you beautiful in any sort of atmosphere. Darkness is as light to Him as light is light. You can’t take away the beauty that God gave you in any time of day.
I just happen to think about this when it’s dark, I suppose.
I had this urge to listen to cheesy love songs from Disney movies and movies that I’ve watched in my childhood. It’s incredible how the orchestration and melodies for all of those songs can often touch a part of my heart that is hard to explain when you compare the lyrics of those songs.
That conflict almost makes me question why people even try to make a song try to sum up their relationship or love. Love is far better than love songs can ever try encompass.
The memories, blessings, funny looks, conversations, thoughts, feelings, connections, secrets, inside jokes, and the growth that you experience in a relationship can’t be put into words. If it were put into words, it would be a multi-part series.
Not a song.
I suppose that’s why I’m fine with not having a song for my relationship.
I haven’t found a song that even captures a fraction of what it’s like to be in love with him. I’ve found no song that can even remotely stir my heart about my relationship.
It’ll be a miracle if I ever come across one.
At this point, I’ve come to accept that love cannot be put into an alloted time slot for guitars, piano, bass, and vocals. The combination of moving instrumentals and sweet vocal melodies simply doesn’t suffice. It can’t measure up to it.
In this moment, I can recognize something that feels like it’s close to my heart and at my fingertips. However, it’s not tangible enough for me to condense it.
I can’t condense love.
I can’t sum up love.
I can’t measure love.
Especially not through music.
Hi, dear.
I’m typing away at this speech, and I’m sort of content with the first half. I really articulated my group’s thesis, so I’m content now. I just gotta work on the second half. So I thought I would take a break and write something silly for you.
I was thinking about you, and just how much you make me smile. Smiles are contagious. The happiness that I get from talking to you or even just knowing that I’m yours physically manifests into a smile. Think of how much people see that smile. That means people see you, me, and God, even if they don’t even know it. Isn’t that absolutely wonderful?
Oh goodness. Love is quite lovely.
You, my dear, are lovely. <3
Love,
Allison
I want to learn how to write something that will make you smile. I want to be able to write songs for you. I want to have the ability to come up with witty sayings that you memorize for future reference. I want to be that person that you can always think of by the words I say.
I want to sit with you and dwell on existential questions. I want to lie down next to you and just look at the stars. I want to be with you and never lose the comforting feeling of you being next to me. I want to sing sweet music with you. I want to go on an adventure with you. I want to get lost with you.
[Flash 10 is required to watch video]
My reaction.
He said yes.
